


long distance relationship

by porrimgranate



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-09
Updated: 2013-07-10
Packaged: 2017-12-18 05:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/876221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porrimgranate/pseuds/porrimgranate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Jade slowly fall in love. Alas, there is an ocean and also like half of the U.S. between them. John, Rose, and Bro act as intermediaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. forgotten promises

**Author's Note:**

> idk where i'm going with this really so bear with me please.

You wake up to the rough tongue of your dog licking your face, squirming in your duvet in an attempt to shield yourself from Becquerel's unrelenting puppy kisses and the bright light of the morning sun. You soon jump up, ready to start the day and get started with the day's chores. Taking care of the immediate first, you carefully and artfully rearrange the pile of squiddles on your bed, giving each plush creature a buddy to tangle with for the new day. Next, you would irradiate a steak for Bec, just before heading downstairs to water your vegetable garden. The sun's rays shone on your skin as you catered to each plant, warming you with a feeling like no other. The greenhouse was one of your favorite places in the tower, second only to your room. But then again, those were the only two rooms you frequented really, the rest consumed by your grandfather's various knick-knacks and trophies, as well as your grandfather himself.  
  
You tended to avoid the lower floors for solely that reason. Love him as you do, it was still a bit unnerving having to pass by his stuffed corpse every time you wished to leave the building. You managed to make venturing outside a game of sorts though, entering mock-strife with the taxidermized relative that raised you. Well, for the first few years of your life at least. Ever since the accident it's just been you, Bec, and that terrifyingly sinister blue doll Grandpa kept around.  
  
Despite this, you rather enjoyed your life on Hellmurder Island – suitably named by your friend Dave. There was a beach and a jungle and even an ancient temple, though Bec always prevented you from entering it. Beginning to feel drowsy already, you pass out underneath one of your hanging plants, only to awake in your bed. You always wondered how you always seemed to end up there. Actually, no you didn't. It was Bec. And we all know it was.  
  
You yawn and rub your eyes, looking at the many multicolored bands you have wrapped around your fingers as you move your hands away from your face. There was the orange one, reminding you that the pumpkin's would be ready for harvest soon, and the green one, serving as a reminder to replace the uranium in your dream bot. But then there was the red one...shit!  
  
You were supposed to be on Pesterchum hours ago! It wasn't often the four of you could arrange a time to all be online at the same time, especially considering your weird time zone and sleeping patterns and all. You grab your official Squiddles commemorative lunchtop from your side table, and begin typing away, fingers shaking as you log in to your account.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
GG: hey!! im soooooo sorry im late! happy birthday dave!  
TG: wow jade  
TG: just wow  
TG: who do even think you are  
TG: do you think you could just abandon me like this  
TG: do you think you could just forget my birthday and act like nothing happened  
TG: this is like  
TG: child neglect right here  
TG: do you even care about me  
TG: next thing you know ill be staying out past curfew without your permission  
TG: acting out for attention  
TG: get mixed up in the wrong crowd  
TG: begin sagging my pants  
TG: start peddling drugs  
GG: lol  
TG: truancy is no laughing matter jade  
GG: so how was your birthday, really? im still sorry i couldnt make it, and it looks like rose and john have already logged off :(  
TG: i cried jade  
TG: but yeah it was pretty fucking sweet  
TG: bro gave me a new camera  
TG: he also challenged me to a strife  
TG: a strife in which i totally did not break my piece of shit sword  
GG: wait!  
GG: are you telling me that the brave and heroic cool guy DAVE STRIDER was defeated?!  
GG: by his weird puppetmaster brother?!  
GG: wow  
GG: its a good thing i saw this coming  
TG: wait what  
TG: is this one of your weird psychic things again  
TG: goddamnit harley  
TG: is this why you didnt come to the memo party earlier  
TG: were you like watching me and my bro strife using your weird robot dream crystal ball camera  
TG: not that i cant blame you we are both pretty fine pieces of work if i do say so my self  
TG: mostly me  
GG: no dave, i was not staring at you and your brothers sexy man flab  
GG: i just kind of lost track of time  
TG: flab  
TG: more like AB  
TG: bro you can not even comprehend the percentage of  
TG: pure  
TG: unadulterated sex beast striders are made of  
TG: hint  
TG: its more than 99%  
GG: DAVE! stop!  
GG: no one wants to hear about your weird ab obsession  
GG: absession  
TG: just imagine it harley  
TG: two awesome bros  
TG: strifing  
TG: just swords  
TG: abs

\-- gardenGnostic[GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: and sex appeal  
TG: hopy shit  
TG: bro just threw a fucking sword at me  
TG: why is there a note attached  
TG: fuck harley was this you  
TG: goddamnit jade you better not be getting all buddy buddy with my bro  
TG: i sense cahoots  
TG: cahoots i say  
TG: …  
TG: i'm on to you  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [TG] –

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –  
GG: ;p  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –


	2. strider boogaloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from dave's point of view this. time. oh striders, how you amuse me so. i plan for the next chapter to be mainly pesterlogs, so yeah! watch out.

Despite the fact that your conversational partner just abandoned you, you're still typing away as fast as possible into your chat client. “Damn Harley thinking she can get the best of me despite forgetting my own fucking bir-gaHHHKFUCK.”. You jump, knocking over the cup of apple juice you had to next to your laptop in the process. Your reflexes are quick enough that you're able to grab your laptop before any liquid gets on it, but not quite quick enough as to prevent the beverage from spilling all over the front of your pants and shirt. You take one look at the sword now wedged into your wall and immediately turn around towards the entrance to your room. “What the fuck man?” you ask, nearly letting your rage through before composing yourself. You should be used to this shit by now, but you did kind of expect a break seeing as it's your own god damn birthday. 

“Oh shit dude. Did mean to make you pee your pants.” Your brother says, peeking his head through the doorway, eyes immediately traveling to your pants, which were now dripping a mysterious yellow liquid which could easily be mistaken for urine by the untrained eye. Thanks to Egbert though you could usuuaally tell the difference between the two liquids. Usually. 

“Could you get me a towel at least.” You say, setting down your laptop on your bed and taking off your juice-sodden shirt. 

“Yeah no problem little man.” Bro says as he heads off to the bathroom to find one. By the time he's back you've already finished up the pesterlog with Harley, changed, and are now inspecting the katana which had just been chucked into the face of one of the posters plastered onto your wall. It's a pretty sweet sword, actually. Definitely better than the one you just busted during your annual birthday strife with Bro. Birthday strifes were a momentous occasion in the Strider household, even more important than the breakfast battles they held each morning. It is the most important meal of the day, after all. What better way to prepare for a long day of school and or smuppet filming than a before-noon death match? Trick question. There is no better way. 

Back to the sweet sword. The only thing sweeter, in fact, is the note attached. And oh god you can't believe you actually just thought that. 

Written in green and the most stereotypically girly handwriting ever, it reads

“dear mr. cool kid dave,  
first of all, if you couldn't tell, it's your good ol' totally awesome and cool pal jade!!! harley!!   
second, happy birthday dave! welcome to the teenager club, it's about time, even though i'm only two days older than you.   
i hope you like the sword I got you. your bro actually helped me pick it out, believe it or not! i thought you might need a new one seeing as you're always complaining about the “piece of shit” you have now. your words, not mine! speaking of gifts and such, i'm not sure what you got me for my birthday but i'm sure it's awesome!   
i hope you have an awesome 13th birthday and that this package gets here in time. If it doesn't..than happy early christmas I guess!   
sincerely peace out dawg,  
jade B) <3”

You can't help but smile at the second to last line. Plus, you gotta admit, the anthropomorphic SbaHJ you drew for her birthday was possibly one of your best works. You quickly recompose yourself however when you hear Bro enter the room.

“Oooh. Is Dave reading the letter from his girlfriend?” He says, throwing the towel at you.

“Just one of many.” You catch the towel and try to hide the fact that you're now for some reason blushing. You turn around and begin cleaning up the apple juice all over your desk.

“Girlfriends or cutesy letters?” Bro asks, taking a seat on your bed. 

“Psh.” You say as though it's not even a question. “You should know enough for yourself. All the ladies be hungerin' for a hit of this Stri-beast.” You're not quite sure what you just said, but it seemed sarcastic enough to work in this situation. 

“Really? Because I haven't exactly noticed any mobs of fangirls lining up outside our apartment.” 

“It's all online, brah. The chicks be goin' crazy for a good blogger now a days. You wouldn't believe it. You should read my comments section sometime.” 

“Dave. I'm serious.” He says, actually sounding serious for once. You turn around to get a look at his face, only to see that he's whipped out, seemingly, and probably, from the depths of his asshole, two smuppets. One red, one green. “I think it's about time we talked about the birds and the bees.” He reveals a shit-eating grin as soon as he finishes the sentence. You can only imagine the look on your face right now.

“Oh hell no,” You say as you head to the door as fast as possible, but he's already beaten you there by the time you're halfway across the room. Damn him and his superb flash-stepping abilities. “No.... No! This isn't happening.” You were definitely not getting the talk right now. Not now, not ever. And certainly not from Bro. 

“Think of it as an extra birthday gift.” He says, still grinning like a maniac. All you can think about is the fact that he's using smuppets for this. Why. Why oh why oh why. How did he even get fabric in those colors? They match your's and Jade's text nearly exactly, down to the hex code. Smuppets didn't even have any holes. Well, not that you knew of anyway. You never really cared to check. You can feel the color draining from your face as Bro enacts seemingly ever single possible sex act he can think of, narrating loudly as he does so. Each time you try to move or hide he maneuvers in front of you. There's no escape. You ponder climbing out the window, but seeing as you live on the highest floor, that's something even you aren't ballsy enough to do. You just close your eyes and plug your ears and wait for this hell to end.


End file.
